The History of My Diary

I started blogging simply to explore and try blogging as it’s becoming more and more popular among my friends, but, I got bored about it very soon after I created one and abandoned it as I just don’t have any interesting experience to write about and I don’t think I can write as good as others. My blog posts are just like essays!!! > <


Then, somehow I got the motivation to blog again. This time is due to my intention in recording some memorable events in my life and to share my feelings and thoughts with others, but, again, pity my blog as I abandoned it again. I still feel embarrass sharing my stories in bad-written texts. They are full of grammar mistakes and I always fail to put down my thoughts in words due to my very limited vocab and very uncreative alterations in sentence structure and most importantly, don’t really know what I want to bring out through my blog posts actually. Poor blog but from the reason I abandon her, it’s kind of reflect the me who cares about self-image a lot. I just don’t wish to let others see my weakness.

Oh! and NOW! I blog much more frequent than last time already. I blog to analyse my thoughts. Blogging help me to calm myself down when I’m frustrated because it will help to rationalise my thoughts. I also blog when I just want to talk about my problems, let my blog readers to know what’s happening on me but I don’t hope for any solutions. If I want solutions, advices or supports, I will be on FACEBOOK or I will talk straight away to the person I want to talk to. I don’t care about grammar mistakes in my blog posts anymore. I don’t care about how others are going to think about my blog and me anymore. THAT’S ME. You can’t say I can’t be ME. I got the right to be myself. You can judge but I DON’T MIND anymore. I know how to judge myself.

Yeah! That’s it. The History of My Diary.

Time traveling?haha

Since the day I come back from Malaysia, I have been not very sure about where am I when I wake up from sleep in the morning. For the first few seconds after I wake up, I will be wrestling with myself, trying to figure out whether I’m at home, the REAL home or not. This is weird. I had never experience this kind of situation before until this year. Am I missing home too much to the extent that I can’t feel it myself or is that because my room here is making me feeling at home? OR... something else? like... TIME TRAVELING? Haha



Ps: don’t really know why time traveling but that’s the word that pop up in my mind when I thought of something else, probably because time traveller will not know where they will be every time he/she experiences time travel. Time travel really exists? Hmmm...

Can the time just pass slower?

When problems come, what I need is actually time to think deeper about it, find ways to get myself up again but with the constantly having assignments and design work due every week student life that I have, I will just have to get going with the problems still there bordering me all the time which makes me feel worse each day.


When problems come, I would need to have some time to gather my thoughts and put them down into words as I can do a better analysis on the problems that I am facing through writing. Can you give me time? Can you make the time pass slower?

small group rather than big group

It’s always more comfortable to go out in a small group rather than a big group of them. Four people and above is considered as a big group for me already. I can be talking a lot when going out with a big group of friends but it just won’t make me feel as comfortable as talking and walking with just one or two friends. I just don’t like being too focusing on talking to one of the friends among the group as it causes me to have to sort of ‘ignore’ the presence of others which I am afraid will lead to someone feeling being left out. I don’t really like being unaware of the presence of the left-outers. I don’t know why there will always be a strong sense of obligation in me in making sure of no one will feel left-out when we are out in a group. I will fail to do if I’m too engaged in talking. As the obligation of ensuring everyone is enjoying the big outing is pushing me so hard, often, I can only put 50% of my attention when involve in a conversation which will make me feel guilty again. Probably this is very weird for you but that’s just how I feel. I feel being insincere if I don’t pay full attention to what others are saying. Sometimes, it’s tiring to have to be kept pressing by the obligation but I just can’t stop myself from doing that. To avoid the ‘obligation’ and therefore the ‘ tiredness’ and ‘guilty’, I would just prefer going out with one or two friends rather than a big group of friends. It’s quite common to have silent moment when there are less people going out together but that’s still fine for me. I don’t need them to talk a lot or trying very hard to make conversation. I just need them to be themselves when they are with me.

Birthday celebrations

Celebrated two friends’ birthday tonight. I was the one suggested to have the celebration and planned for it. Still, I’m not a good planner. I could have ideas on how to celebrate, what presents to buy, how to make card (provided I know the person good enough) but when things don’t turn out the way I want it to, I won’t be able to solve it immediately. Often, I will have to think for quite a long time to come out with a solution. Maybe that’s my problem in making decisions as in deciding what are the things that I should put priority on. Or I’m still not confident enough to make decision especially when it will affect others’ feeling. And maybe I am still inexperience in planning an event. But luckily for today’s celebrations, I got a lot of friends assisted me to make my plan go well. I like the co-operation that we had to make things out but it could be better if we can have more communication so that everyone will be clear on the flow of the whole celebration.


This is quite a big celebration. There were all together 21 person. It’s a large number of ppl for me. I didn’t like to have big celebration actually. We will definitely be separated into small groups and this looks so un-united. What is worse is that, sometimes, some people will be left out and I would really feel sorry for her/him. And that’s why, I will tend to talk to all my friends when I attend an event together with them. I will make sure that I do that even more when I’m the one who organise the event. But hor, that will make me feel guilty as I will feel that I’m being insincere if I’m just trying to make conversation with them. Hmmm...

This is not a very satisfying celebration overall and I’m not sure whether my purpose of doing it can be felt by the birthday girl and birthday boy but still, I don’t lose the passion in planning more in the future though it’s a bit tiring and time-consuming. I am planning it with no hopping of getting anything in return. I just hope that people around me will feel that they are being cared, being loved and they are not loners in the world.

I have already had plans in my mind for my family and friends during some special occasions. But I got the problem of just thinking but not taking action when it comes to planning celebrations and giving surprises to those dear to me. No no no! This time I must take action.

BELIEVE

Architecture might not be the thing that I wanna to do the most in my life. I like designing but maybe not a building which is actually something too heavy for me. but somehow, i'm still trying my best to learn it because i believe there're things about architecture that i will like and still awaiting for me to discover them. It's always the belief that pull me through a lot of obstacles in my life. I don't know where I got the strength from but i just BELIEVE.

Unexpected meeting

Sometimes, miracle can just happen on a very unexpected occasion and at a very unexpected place.

Hair fall problem is troubling me recently. Lost 26 hairs when i comb after taking a shower and everytime i comb my hair, at least 4 hairs will fall. Counting all the hairs that i had lost everyday, it's estimated that I lost average 70 hairs a day. =( This is BAD & WORRYING! I don't want to be botak!

However, miracle happened when I was feeling so upset about my hair. I met a chinese doctor when i was having lunch in my uni cafeteria. He saw all the health problems that i was having for that time. Not only hair fall problem, but also frequent headache. He not only helped me to solve my frequent headache problem by adjusting my neckbone and telling me to change the way i sleep which is the cause of headache, he also gave me solutions for solving my hairfall problem. THIS IS ALL FREE. Usually, a consultation with him will cause the patient $100++.

Though some people might thought that it's a hoax, what he said don't sound wrong to me and i think the solution he gave is worth a try. So, from today onwards, I'm gonna have more oat, porridge, rice, green leaves vegetables, kiwi, green apple, black beans, green beans, barli and I'll try to avoid having oily and spicy food as much as i can. This is to strengthen my liver and kidney systems which are the causes of my hair fall problem. If it's really working, I'm gonna thank him in person. =)

This is a very unexpected meeting with a very unexpected person in a very unexpected place. How lucky I am!=)

lonely?Am I?

When I arrived at the Lecture theatre for the first lecture I was gonna have after a three-month break, I saw everyone saying "Hi" to their friends. Silently, I walked to the crowd and then followed the crowd to enter the lecture theatre.

After lecture but before tutorial starts, I sat alone on the chairs outside on the second year studio to have oranges. Then a new friend of mine who has just transfered from Newcastle passed by and asked me " How come you look so lonely?"

Am I?

Somtimes I do. But, it's not because that I have no friends but I still haven't found a new friend or friends in my course that will stick around with me and go anywhere together with me.

Anyway, maybe is because I never tell that I need someone to accompany me, that's why no one is doing that. I duno. Maybe I should at least tell. =)