Though I did learn something from it, it doesn’t mean they can not fail me for not being able to fulfil the requirement. This isn’t the time to be optimistic anymore because there’s really a big chance that I will fail and being optimistic will only mean I’m trying to deny the possibility of failing.
What’s so scarrying about failing? Actually, I’m not really afraid of it. Failing just simply means I fail to learn what I’m supposed to learn from the course and it’s reasonable enough to be asked to redo the course because I haven’t get what they want me to get from the course. Restudy the course is not that bad actually because I am given a chance to make use of what I supposed I have learnt last time to design a space or a building again. How about dealing with friends, family and my relatives? Somehow, I don’t feel the shame of letting them know I had actually failed. I’m quite sure they won’t judge me for that but even if they do, I’m fine with it because I believe failing for once or even more than once doesn’t mean I’m a failure. I just fail to learn what they want me to learn in the given period of time. What about all the effort that I had put in in developing the project for the whole semester? A lot of people think that the amount of effort should tally with the result they get but for me, it’s fine to be the opposite, which is after putting in a lot of effort in doing something, result still bad. I’m more concern about getting things right. Having to do lots of work doesn’t freak me out as long as I know the reason I’m doing them.
Right now, I’m trying to get myself well-prepared to be told I have failed but the worry is still there. I don’t wish to tell anyone because there’s nothing they can do to make me feel better. It’s only until the result is out, which is next week, then only I will feel relieve. I don’t wish to tell partly also because I don’t need any sympathy from anyone. Failing in this course doesn’t equal to failure in my life. I’m certain I have been growing up bit by bit throughout the course. I’m getting stronger.
5.26.2012
Random Thoughts
There are moments in my life when all of a sudden, I change from being certain of something to being very unsure about everything.
Using social networking website to keep in contact with friends can only partially compensate the real interaction that we had every day because from social networking website, we only see what our friends choose to share there and if they don’t share, it doesn’t mean there’s something else going on at their place and in their minds. To best way to understand someone is to live with them but this is not going to be easy because everything is now revealed and TOLERATION is what we need to practise but that’s definitely not easy at all.
There is no way of being yourself all the times. Sometimes you can be yourself, sometimes you gotta allow others to be themselves as well.
In a family, each member will have their own vision and mission. We set off to strive for them, WITH support from each other. This is how things should be. I think. And we feel happy for each other when things turn out well for them and actually, happier than we reach our target.
Sometimes, when I emo, I really wish to find someone to talk but I don’t do so because i just don’t want to trouble others. Sometimes, I feel like going out for a walk with someone but I eventually I didn’t ask anyone for that because I will think others might not actually want to go and if he/she goes, it would be just for the sake of me asking him/her to go. If someone comes at the moment when I’m having this kind of feeling, I will mostly probably talk to him/her about it and that will make me feel better. Expecting someone to come to me when I’m down is out of my control. But if I can turn that into something that I can do for others, I think that would be helpful. So, I shouldn’t have wait for others to talk to me first starting from now but I should take the initiative to care more about my friends and family. I might not be the one that others want to talk to all of the time but at least there’s a chance of being able to help someone.
All these random thoughts come when I’m emo. I don’t like the feeling of being emo but what I find out is that, I can only come out with all these thoughts when I’m emo. I guess this is good. When things don’t happen the way I hope it will be, I will start to have negative feelings and emo but it’s only when things go against me, then only I got the chance to ponder on a lot of things in life. So, after all, emo is not that bad. It helps me grow.
Using social networking website to keep in contact with friends can only partially compensate the real interaction that we had every day because from social networking website, we only see what our friends choose to share there and if they don’t share, it doesn’t mean there’s something else going on at their place and in their minds. To best way to understand someone is to live with them but this is not going to be easy because everything is now revealed and TOLERATION is what we need to practise but that’s definitely not easy at all.
There is no way of being yourself all the times. Sometimes you can be yourself, sometimes you gotta allow others to be themselves as well.
In a family, each member will have their own vision and mission. We set off to strive for them, WITH support from each other. This is how things should be. I think. And we feel happy for each other when things turn out well for them and actually, happier than we reach our target.
Sometimes, when I emo, I really wish to find someone to talk but I don’t do so because i just don’t want to trouble others. Sometimes, I feel like going out for a walk with someone but I eventually I didn’t ask anyone for that because I will think others might not actually want to go and if he/she goes, it would be just for the sake of me asking him/her to go. If someone comes at the moment when I’m having this kind of feeling, I will mostly probably talk to him/her about it and that will make me feel better. Expecting someone to come to me when I’m down is out of my control. But if I can turn that into something that I can do for others, I think that would be helpful. So, I shouldn’t have wait for others to talk to me first starting from now but I should take the initiative to care more about my friends and family. I might not be the one that others want to talk to all of the time but at least there’s a chance of being able to help someone.
All these random thoughts come when I’m emo. I don’t like the feeling of being emo but what I find out is that, I can only come out with all these thoughts when I’m emo. I guess this is good. When things don’t happen the way I hope it will be, I will start to have negative feelings and emo but it’s only when things go against me, then only I got the chance to ponder on a lot of things in life. So, after all, emo is not that bad. It helps me grow.
5.17.2012
Loved
" I know you are tired already. Take a rest ba. "Sometimes, what I need is just someone who sees and knows that I'm tired after a fierce battle with my assignment for the whole day. This is much more heart-warming than having me to mention about my tiredness and then the person says " I know how you feel right now. Take a rest ba. " The formal can definitely give me strength to continue working even if I'm exhausted already because I feel loved just having people to be sensitive enough to sense my tiredness. Although I seldom find problem in pushing myself forward more, sometimes, I still wish there's someone out there who will motivate me to do work because i just want to feel loved.
5.11.2012
Discoveries
Recently, because of piles of assignments with close submission dates, days feel like yearsssss for me, not because working on assignments is a boring activity, but racing with time and getting work done one after another within a short period of time just make me feel that time has moved on a lot.
Anyway, those assignments somehow also make me finally realise that companionship is really important in our life. Being super busy with assignments lately, I haven’t actually had any real conversation with anyone. I’m using every hour, every minute and every second I had to work on my assignments. I worked in my room all the time or sometimes just work in the uni, but with my earphone on (sometimes no music is playing) because I can’t afford to have anyone to distract me when I’m trying to focus (I’m not a multi-tasking person).
Working really hard until certain point, I do feel tired and really feel like going out with friends and have a good conversation with them. BUT, at the same time, I don’t want to purposely find someone just to talk and go out with. I don’t like trying to make things out and I prefer it to come naturally. I do have people that come and approach me and want to make a conversation with me but I don’t feel like talking with them. This is so 矛盾of me. Prolly, the kind of conversation that I’m looking for at that moment is something about things I like. Yea. I think it is because I remembered I scrolled through FB News Feed searching for good songs shared by friends or interesting horoscope readings or thoughtful quotes but there is not much I can find.
At the time I feel a need to connect to people in real life but can’t find it, I resort to Facebook, the only social networking website that I am using but the fact is, Facebook can never replace the real connection and interaction that we can have with people in real life. I’m not putting much hope when scrolling through FB because it has been clear in my mind since my last emo period that I shouldn’t rely too much on FB anymore.
The discovery of the need to read about something that I like to fill the emptiness I have in some time of my life somehow makes me realise about another thing which I used to not being able to understand the need of doing it. I used to not feeling the need to keep myself updated with anything. If yes, that’s only for the fact that I’m living in a real world and I can’t be not aware of the environment that I’m living in. But, if I could keep myself updated about things that I like, it can be something that get me excited about my life again. Yea! I should start following websites, blogs or anything that can provide me information about things that I like. They can also provide me the sense of engagement or involvement in my life. They can make me more engage in my life.
I’m not sure how I come to this stage of discovering so many things and values in life but I’m happy that I had. I LOVE MY LIFE no matter what. ^^
Anyway, those assignments somehow also make me finally realise that companionship is really important in our life. Being super busy with assignments lately, I haven’t actually had any real conversation with anyone. I’m using every hour, every minute and every second I had to work on my assignments. I worked in my room all the time or sometimes just work in the uni, but with my earphone on (sometimes no music is playing) because I can’t afford to have anyone to distract me when I’m trying to focus (I’m not a multi-tasking person).
Working really hard until certain point, I do feel tired and really feel like going out with friends and have a good conversation with them. BUT, at the same time, I don’t want to purposely find someone just to talk and go out with. I don’t like trying to make things out and I prefer it to come naturally. I do have people that come and approach me and want to make a conversation with me but I don’t feel like talking with them. This is so 矛盾of me. Prolly, the kind of conversation that I’m looking for at that moment is something about things I like. Yea. I think it is because I remembered I scrolled through FB News Feed searching for good songs shared by friends or interesting horoscope readings or thoughtful quotes but there is not much I can find.
At the time I feel a need to connect to people in real life but can’t find it, I resort to Facebook, the only social networking website that I am using but the fact is, Facebook can never replace the real connection and interaction that we can have with people in real life. I’m not putting much hope when scrolling through FB because it has been clear in my mind since my last emo period that I shouldn’t rely too much on FB anymore.
The discovery of the need to read about something that I like to fill the emptiness I have in some time of my life somehow makes me realise about another thing which I used to not being able to understand the need of doing it. I used to not feeling the need to keep myself updated with anything. If yes, that’s only for the fact that I’m living in a real world and I can’t be not aware of the environment that I’m living in. But, if I could keep myself updated about things that I like, it can be something that get me excited about my life again. Yea! I should start following websites, blogs or anything that can provide me information about things that I like. They can also provide me the sense of engagement or involvement in my life. They can make me more engage in my life.
I’m not sure how I come to this stage of discovering so many things and values in life but I’m happy that I had. I LOVE MY LIFE no matter what. ^^
5.07.2012
A little to say after EMO
Apparently, I had gone through a very down moment last few days. A lot of negative emotions I had and this is making some of my friends worry about me because it's just so not me at all. Anyway, now i'm out and there are a few things that i would like to say before i forget about them.
When things screw up one followed by another, stop it and start again. You can always start from tidying up your room, your files, your bag. Go get a good shower and do remember to have proper meals too.
When you are in a super emo state, what you need is actually attention and care from your friends. BUT, don't go to Facebook to seek for them. It most probably will get you into a worse condition especially when no one actually responds to your postS. Go straight away to your friends. Tell them. I need some support from you now.
I just got my interim presentation result back. Not be shy to say, i just got a PASS. It's dissappointing for the first few second when i saw the P, but I know I didn't screw this myself. I did put effort in making it the best presentation that i can come out with for that moment. Don't let the result to pull you down. Poeple judge you by your result, but you shouldn't do so to yourself. Judge yourself by evaluating the effort that you have put in in completing the task that you are given.
When things screw up one followed by another, stop it and start again. You can always start from tidying up your room, your files, your bag. Go get a good shower and do remember to have proper meals too.
When you are in a super emo state, what you need is actually attention and care from your friends. BUT, don't go to Facebook to seek for them. It most probably will get you into a worse condition especially when no one actually responds to your postS. Go straight away to your friends. Tell them. I need some support from you now.
I just got my interim presentation result back. Not be shy to say, i just got a PASS. It's dissappointing for the first few second when i saw the P, but I know I didn't screw this myself. I did put effort in making it the best presentation that i can come out with for that moment. Don't let the result to pull you down. Poeple judge you by your result, but you shouldn't do so to yourself. Judge yourself by evaluating the effort that you have put in in completing the task that you are given.
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