Being special?

Maybe because of the lots of negative feedback that I had got, I suddenly get into a very deep thought about myself and about who I am actually. A lot of ideas come into my mind, and I can sort of like have a lot of sentences, questions skip through my mind and I will lose track of them if I try to put them down into words. I have thought of a lot but I can’t jot them down because I will tend to forget what I want to express if I write. It’s kind of like a lot of mental thingy. I think it’s a problem because I wouldn’t be able to speak out my ideas to others spontaneously. It’s really a big problem.

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All this while, I have been taught of how to behave, what is right and wrong and it shaped me into who I am now. What I have been doing is what generally people think is the rightful way to do things. This makes me a person who can easily mix around with people but it also makes me an ordinary person. I don’t really know how to bring this idea out but it’s like whatever people aspect to have from a good character, I have but there’s nothing special on me that makes me extraordinary. I’m good but not special because I have been following the convention. I don’t have a strong characteristic. I just feel that sometimes, being too good will only make us seems ordinary but with some different character that we have which sometimes can be our weakness, we will become special because we will have a very strong self identity, and our very own style of dealing with things.

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So, what am I trying to tell here is that, I ‘m ordinary not because I am not good in anything, I can draw, can sing, can play musical instrument, but there’s nothing that can make me shine. I keep saying that I want to be special, but what’s the whole point of being special? Why do I want to be special? Am I not special…Yea, I know I don’t have a very strong character, don’t have my very own style of doing things, but can’t this be my character that make me being special? 

(written on 17/05/11)